Zoo “Sleuths” Review: Or the Unexpected Virtues of Eating Chemicals

Zoo "Sleuths" Review: Or the Unexpected Virtues of Eating ChemicalsZoo S01E07: "Sleuths" Here we are everyone, seven episodes in and Zoo is just as bonkers as my Aunt Nance in the same room as Scott Bakula (she's a huge Scott Bakula fan—like restraining order-level fan). Did you know that a pack of bears is called a "sleuth"? Did you also know that "Sleuth" is the term used to describe an episode of television where a ragtag bunch of misfits battle bears with rapidly developed natural body armor? I did NOT see that coming. In fact, when Mitch Morgan hit me with that tidbit I was like Chloe's ex-fiancé being chased through decades old French piss and shit… Nor did I see coming Oceans 11-style data heists, troubling childhood tales of execution, or the Mother Cell being used as a bargaining chip. I guess that's why I like this show: Right when I think it's going to zig, instead it hovers in the air, grows polka-dots, then yells at me in French. Just as animals are evolving at an accelerated rate due to chemicals (thank you very much Reiden Global), so too has Zoo morphed from being a show about beasts attacking humans into a drama featuring five international friends just trying to survive this wacky modern age while occasionally bats or bears hassle strangers. Mainly, Chloe and the gang hang out at motels or wherever and figure out what sort of things they can do that are unrelated to defeating the animal uprising. In this episode, that involved getting Jamie a fake ID, then boozing it up at Chloe's one-story mansion. Sure, there were bears loose in the sewers of Paris, but what was more important was clearing Jamie's name for the stairwell shooting death of Agent Ben Shaffer, which she definitely committed. Like, even if he was dirty, and Jamie could claim self-defense, she still plugged a man and that feeling never goes away no matter how many evil corporations you infiltrate. Actually, Agent Ben Shaffer may or may not be dead, and may or may not be an FBI agent. I wasn't too clear on that. Or like, he is FBI, but accepting kickbacks from Reiden? The point being, in Abe's eyes, Jamie was now family, now part of the Liars and Killers clan. He was like her Olive Garden and by filling Shaffer's belly with lead, she had just ordered the endless breadsticks… of sympathy. To further illustrate this, Abraham offered her some wine on a balcony that was definitely in Paris and not just a hotel in New Orleans, then launched into perhaps the most brutal story I've ever heard about love and loss and child soldiers getting gunned down by gang leaders. Long ago, when Abe had a different name, his parents had been killed and a local militia forced him to choose which little brother to shoot with a gun as a hazing ceremony. Naturally, it was a very difficult prospect. So that was Abe's deal; He chose not to decide at all, and so they were both gunned down. Guy sure knows how to unwind and relate to people during times of stress. To prevent Abe from telling anymore horrific childhood yarns, the team dressed up like business people and hacked into the Parisian branch of Reiden Global to figure out its finances in order to see if money was being hidden in a fishy sense. Like, the idea was to see if any funds could have gone to Agent Shaffer, or the man who said he was Agent Shaffer or whatever. Guess they were searching for some Excel spreadsheet line items such as "FBI costume" or "good guy disguise." Anyway, this all definitely happened in Paris, France. To pull off the operation, Jamie and the gang came up with a brilliant plan to take a photo of an employee for facial recognition reasons. This is not the first time these characters have drunkenly come up with a plan, and Mitch has called out the plan for being perhaps not that well thought out. Maybe don't drink when you come up with plans, just saying! Next: Bear attacks! (Continued from Page 1) Things went okay, but then Chloe got cold feet because she remembered a guy she used to work with who had recently switched sides to work at Reiden Global. Thankfully, Jackson "Quick on His Feet" Oz had thought of an improvised plan to pretend like he was scheduling the targeted employee for a free timeshare or something. This allowed him to snap a photo of the employee's face which I guess was what they needed. Success! Now it was back to thwarting the animal attacks—wait no, Chloe still had to hash some stuff out with her ex-fiancé, who had left her for her sister. She had not forgiven him, nor her sister, for basically doing a really terrible thing. Like, that's pretty bad right? Like, bad enough to where if you had to figure out animal genocides you would just table the family drama until all the bears were caught or all the Mother Cell molecules were collected and shot into outer space. But no, Chloe and her ex-fiancé were dead set on coming to some sort of reconciliation, even if bears were roaming the sewers of France and possibly evolving to kill all of mankind. Oh, Parisians. In fact, Chloe had a lot on her plate because her boss demanded she tell him what team member shot an agent. Seemed like a pretty fair request, just so he could at least get some paperwork started, but Chloe was not budging. Her love of friendship worked! Meanwhile, Mitch did some more science even though he only had a lab and not a motel to work in, and found out that bears and animals of the like were evolving at a swift rate to counteract the effects of mankind. The Mother Cell was to blame for this swift biological puberty, which involved thickened skin (gross), lions communicating, and bats flying way too high. The bear's skin was so thick it bent needles. Supposedly the bears were hibernating and everyone pretended like they weren't going to wake up in a surprising fashion, even though ALL ANIMALS WERE BEING SURPRISING BECAUSE THAT IS THE PREMISE OF THE SHOW. Naturally, the lab bear reacted just as you'd expect when Mitch kept messing around with it. The bear was quite done with Mitch Morgan's attitude and took off to find some human-shaped almond croissants. Mitch was like, "I need a vacation from this vacation!" Eventually, Chloe and the man who did her dirty were able to come to some understanding, but only after the heartless creep nearly died like a dog in historic piss and shit at the claws of a bear. See, bear was PISSED that he and his sleuth had been discovered when really they just wanted to sleep for a bit and then murder mankind. Thankfully, this time Abe decided to pull a few triggers, and shot some drug-darts into the bear's butt. When all was said and done, the citizens of Paris were safe again, including Chloe's ex-fiancé. Then in a twisty-turny course of events, Mitch secretly met with a representative of Reiden Global whom he had been in contact with since the beginning of the episode, and offered up a trade: the Mother Cell for his daughter's medicine. In terms of deadbeat dads, this was like the Hail Mary version of taking an estranged kid to Disneyland. Never underestimate parental guilt. See this is problematic, because apparently the Mother Cell is the key to reversing this evolution in animals. So there's that. AND, here's a song by Lookout Bear from Zoobilee Zoo where he's wearing a Sherlock Holmes "sleuth" hat for some reason… ANIMAL TRACKS … Was "Sleuth" dope? … Did the bear attack satisfy? … Do you love what the show has become? … Do you hope Mitch will give up the Mother Cell? … What did you think of "Sleuths"?

August 13, 2015 12:36 am

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