Zoo S01E08: "The Cheese Stands Alone" Okay hold on a second. In "The Cheese Stands Alone," Zoo's radical eighth episode, did Jackson Oz just say that the last time he was on Pender Island was when he was age 12 and did Sheriff Bowman just tell him not to wait 10 more years before coming back? Because that would make his character exactly 22 years young which sorry, but out of all the cockamamie ideas put forth by Zoo—including coordinated animal pandemics, Mother Cells, and male rats giving immaculate hyper-birth, THAT has to be the most unbelievable thing about this show. I hope I am wrong. But first, a word from our sponsors… Unlike Windows 10, this was the best ever. I don't even know where to start, it had everything I wanted out of Zoo. Dialogue that sounded like it came from a bugged rec room of an insane asylum, unnecessary flamethrowers, Tinder dates that devolved into horse-and-buggy collisions. Submit this one to the Emmys guys! Lest anyone get confused (HA!), let's put all this into context: the crew had to investigate a boat full of rats and dead bodies that was set adrift on memory bliss near Pender Island, while Mitch clocked some time with his child back in Boston under false pretenses. The goal of Chloe, Jamie, Abraham, and Jackson was to warn the fair citizens and tourists of Pender Island, plus capture a male and female rat that had scurried ashore off the S.S. Ratitanic. See, this island held special meaning for Jackson Oz because it was the last happy memory he had of his father before the dude went nuts. But for some reason Jackson also mentioned that his dad had a shack here too? Between this and the shabby digs on his radioactive Island of Dr. Mor-on, sounds like daddy was a shack man, no judgement, just saying. Naturally, Jackson ran into his childhood sweetheart Sheriff Becky Bowman. I don't think these two are going to get back together, but every once in a while the show will put Oz in a situation with females where there are eyebrows wriggling and knowing glances and then never talk about any of it it again. Like when Chloe landed on top of Oz during the simulated wolf-brain coffee-pot explosion, or even when Becky mistook Chloe for Jackson's partner. Ladies please, his true love is and always will be stopping animal genocides. Anyway Sheriff Becky Bowman maybe was a mediocre investigator because she did not seem to believe that the rats had anything to do with the death of the boat's crew… …even though the seamen had tons of rat bites all over them and there were like a million rats on the boat. Did you know it was normal for all boats to have rats on them? I didn't. What percentage of Carnival Cruises are rat? Anyway, now that the rats had a taste for human blood they were literally blood-thirsty which I'm to assume was a bad thing but I did not want to speak for the characters of this show. Like the very saltwater taffy sold on the majestic Pender Island boardwalk, the hotel exterminator chewed his scenery something fierce and we were all the better for it. Honestly it was like watching a young Oliver Hardy take his first steps into comic stardom. I wondered if his pontificating about exterminator reality shows was a nod to Billy the Exterminator, a series I am quite fond of. See, the exterminator was in a cocky way about killing rats—even to the point where he tested out flamethrowers just because (do exterminators use flamethrowers?) and pretended like this job would be over in time to swing by Pender Island Boardwalk for some famous corn dogs (I guessed). Little did he know this would be his last job ever and he would be dining in hell. Next: Old people on Tinder (Continued from Page 1) And from here the show really kicked into gear. Overall, I was NOT mad at the rat-centric dialogue, but had trouble picking a favorite line: "Rat Queen" was my nickname in juvie! While the gang investigated the Wilson (so many hotels in this show)—and partook in delectable rat-chat, a few states over there was a delightful Woody Allen-esque New York story about an elderly couple on a Tinder date. At first it looked like it would be another throwaway element of this, the animal uprising, and we were to witness the final bittersweet hours of some doomed geriatrics. Next thing you know, the two were riding a horse-drawn carriage through what I assume was Central Park. The night was so magical you'd think it was planned by Chris Harrison of The Bachelor! Everything about the date was perfect—a chatty driver, a horse named Gypsy. The old guy kept checking his phone nervously about a missing "employee," and Gypsy could not STAND the rudeness so he decided to end the evening and rescue the lady from her rude date. Even though the lady had to be led away in a stretcher, the romantic evening was no less wonderful. Then in a twist of events it was revealed that the dude was in league with Ben Shaffer, which I feel obligated to mention. But most importantly, a love connection had been made. Next: More rats! (Continued from Page 2) Back in Boston, Mitch spent the day with his estranged daughter and suffered shade from his ex-wife for not planning anything to do. Luckily the kid was chill about it, and they went to a local park where he gave his daughter a very special gift of an old parking ticket with a coffee stain. This small gesture made up for years of absence and everything was back to normal. Even though Mitch had pulled off some Father of the Year-level parenting, for some reason Mitch's wife was really pissed at him about having a midlife crisis and told him to go to a "nightclub full of cheerleaders." Then he went to make the swap for the Mother Cell in exchange for untested medicine. I appreciate where he was going with all this, but how did he plan on getting his wife to sign off on ill-gotten, unapproved treatment? Luckily that question never came up, because Mitch recognized Chloe's leader/Skype buddy at the last minute and ditched out. Way to go Mitch, your daughter had a good run anyway and even if she did become healthy would it really be worth it to make Clem live to be gored by a billy goat at a petting zoo or whatever? It would not. In the depths of the Wilson hotel Chloe and the team really got into a lot of trouble. Like, they were able to catch a male rat, but then there must've been a magician staying in the hotel long ago because when Abraham, Jamie, and Oz opened up the rat-bag holding only a male, there were tons of "pups." Depending on your feelings toward rats pouring out of elevators, things then either got really good or really bad. It was a real "elevator half empty of rats, elevator half full of rats" predicament made worse/better by the fact that Abraham, Jamie, and Chloe became trapped with some disgusting ass rat queens in the basement. Looks like last call at your local bar, am I right? Anyway, it seemed like the team was going to become rat food, until Chloe showed up and took matters into her own hands. Another job well done for Chloe and the gang! Wait, it was a job well done right? Like what's the metric for whether or not the crew succeeds here? I mean, they learned some more about animals evolving to destroy humans and how that could specifically happen. So that's got to count for something. But didn't they kind of know this already? I guess knowledge IS power, but the team sure has its work cut out for it considering all the cloak-and-dagger subterfuge with Reiden Global. Take us away, Sheriff Becky! ANIMAL TRACKS – Do you like rats? – Did you learn something from this episode? – Do you want Jackson to find his true love? – Was Mitch right to withhold the Mother Cell? – What did you think of "The Cheese Stands Alone"?