Zoo “This Is What it Sounds Like” Review: Eye of the Wolfmaster

Zoo S01E06: " This is What it Sounds Like" The Infinite Monkey Theorem suggests that a monkey hitting keys at random on a typewriter for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type a given text, like the complete works of William Shakespeare or tonight's episode of Zoo. Forget the monkeys, I bet you could just kick a typewriter down a flight of stairs and by the time it got to the bottom you'd have a draft of "This is What it Sounds Like" ready to go. Remember when this show promised that animalkind was going to come after mankind with everything it had and all we could hope for was a swift and merciful death? Turns out beasts are actually not very threatening! Like, if this episode is to be believed, then all we have to worry about during the furevolution is mostly bats causing power outages. Anyway, tonight Chloe and Mitch raced against time to fix Rio's bat problem, while Jackson, Jamie, and Shafer tracked down the Wolfmaster who had stolen the Mother Cell. All pretty standard activities in terms of animal uprisings. Elsewhere, in the 16th arrondissement of Paris a french lady dealt with a bear that had wandered in off the streets and into our hearts. I loved this bear! I'm not even sure he had anything to do with the other animals in this show, I think he just wanted some company. Frankly I have been to Paris and there are worse things that could've let themselves in so I'm not so sure what this lady was complaining about. Like, I guess it was "scary" that she suffered some paw swipes but 1) were we sure those weren't red wine stains and 2) the injuries did not appear to be life threatening. Luckily she was able to hide in the pantry and brace the door shut with a broom and muffin tin. It seemed like all the bear really wanted was to try a nice rosé and unwind, but he did not know when to say when and immediately got so drunk the fridge fell over on him. This usually happened to my dad on my birthdays, so I ain't even judging bear. In my book, this basically solved the mystery of the animal uprising: bears and their compatriots are jealous of getting drunk, and want to. Then the French police came to arrest the bear and it turned out it was hibernating/a light weight. The commanding officer even provided his own humorous screencap text. Meanwhile the Brazilian government got one-upped by bats who proved impervious to sky poison. It didn't do a damn thing to the little guys, but as Mitch kept saying, the chemicals might have threatened the lives of every "living thing" in Rio. Was Agent Oranging the fair villagers of Rio all part of the bats' master plan? Guess Rio won't be hosting any Copa do Mundos anytime soon. So after the government's attempts at bat control failed, Abraham had to take matters into his own hands in terms of rescuing Mitch and Chloe. His own MYSTERIOUS hands. The question hung in the air like chem trails above Rio: "Why is Abraham good at knowing how to deal with gangs?" Only time and more punches will tell. Next: Hypnotizing and stuff, but will there be any animal attacks? (Continued from Page 1) In the same way heatwaves make people grumpy, all the bats in Silva's kingdom of favella's had really stuck in his craw to the point where he gave Chloe and Mitch a limited amount of time to get rid of all the bats. There were rats all over his otherwise spotless properties (moreso than usual, so like probably 8 more rats) and the longer he went without power, the more money this businessman was losing. He needed money to make and sell drugs to the poorest of the poor and make money off of human suffering in general, so you could see the bind he was in. Ultimately Chloe and Mitch made up some bullshit about building a machine that could drive away the bats in order to buy time for Abraham and his secret kick-assery to come rescue the duo. They got to chatting in front of the non-English speaking guard, and it turned out that Mitch hadn't seen his daughter since she was two years old. Then there was some dorm talk where Chloe encouraged Mitch to be more vulnerable and less of a dick and this major breakthrough drove him to tears. It's like Chloe had a sixth sense because the time she was buying for Abraham to come rescue them WAS indeed put to good use. Drawing on his troubled past (during the credits his dossier mentioned the phrase "child solider" so I'm sure that had something to do with his ability to mop the floor with chumps), Abe stormed the favella like Liam Neeson looking for daughters. Unfortunately the underling led him to a chop shop where nobody carried guns because guns were expensive to people who live off of like $2 a week. I didn't really know who to root for during Abe's fist-ballet because he was basically bullying victims of extreme poverty. This gesture somehow didn't get him killed when he turned his back on Silva later on and as a final cool-guy move Abraham beat up Silva to protect the little kid, almost certainly guaranteeing the kid's death when Silva woke up. Ah the circle of life! Back South, Shafer had hypnotized Jamie into remembering things about the Wolfmaster, except she was wide awake the whole time so I think he was just doing mind tricks or something. Either way she fell into a trance, which allowed her to access the deepest reaches of her brain which looked like a dramatic reenactment from a crime show. Next: Exploding eyes and one big ol' twist (Continued from Page 2) The information retrieved from Jamie's brain led the crew to a small-town optometrist whom the Wolfmaster had taken hostage. He wanted to drill into the Mother Cell and inject it into his eye or inject his eye fluid into the Mother Cell. It wasn't quite clear. Something was being injected into something. Anyway I'm sure this kind of thing happens at Lenscrafters all the time. The Wolfmaster's line of thinking was that the Mother Cell could make things right, in terms of his blown-out pupil. HE HAD THE SAME RUNNY EGG PUPIL THE ANIMALS HAD! By lying to a bunch of dog-owners, Jamie was able to pinpoint the Wolfmaster's location to this high-end shopping plaza. Around this time the Fed started acting funny, and told Jamie and Jackson to go home. Sure it was just standard Fed procedure and not something to do with Shafer being a Reiden stooge. Anyway, Jamie and Oz were not going away that easy and were there during the Wolfmaster's final eye-spurting moments. The team had retrieved the Mother Cell and in the process discovered that Jackson's dad had performed experiments on the Wolfmaster, leading to his blown-out pupil. I'm still not sure it wasn't just astigmatism, but I am not a Lenscrafters employee so what do I know? Back at the motel, Shafer somehow hypnotized Jamie into being frisky. Like, I'm sorry but he especially doesn't seem like her type and there was NO indication leading up to their make-out sesh that Jamie was the slightest bit into him. Maybe just good writing? Ladies, let this be a lesson. If a government agent is into you all of a sudden, chances are he just wants one thing: to secretly fondle your sweaters (#whas). He was working for Reiden Global all along!!! This was basically a surprise to no one at all. With time running out (?) Jackson went to go beat up Shafer in a stairwell and retrieve the stolen Mother Cell. Luckily, Jamie was in a killing sort of mood and finished just what Oz had started by singing a little diddy she liked to call, "Stomach Bullets: The Musical." And so, having once again thwarted obstacles that were moreso related to the idea of animals attacking, and less so actual animal attacks, the team regrouped to celebrate a job well done. Sure Rio was safe again (except for the gallons of chemicals now slowly killing off the already destitute population), but what was really important was the fact that Mitch had finally reached out to his daughter, and that Jamie and Jackson had killed a federal agent and left him for dead in a stairwell, while deciding to tell no one. If I didn't know better I'd say animals weren't trying to destroy humanity, they're trying to make us better people. ANIMAL TRACKS – Do you miss the days when Zoo was about animal attacks? – Which character do you most relate to? – What would you do under these same circumstances? – Where are the doomsday cults during all this? – Are Jackson and Jamie going to get the chair?